TAKE TWO

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Do yourself a favour and buy yourself really great quality sheets. I'm not saying go-all-out on luxurious Italian Pratesi sheets (though you could if you wanted to), what I am saying is that there are some things you should spend money on: good toilet paper and amazing bedding.

Never underestimate the value of really good sleep, in a lush bed with fresh clean sheets. Absolute heaven!

Having now spent many MANY hours in my bed: sleeping, resting, reading, streaming, zooming, napping, journaling and just being, I can tell you that healing is best when you are doing it in a place where it feels AHHH-MAZING!

And don't forget plush comfy cozy throws as well! These are vital for naps on the couch or just throwing over your shoulders like a big hug.

So here I am almost one-week post-op and it's a little different this time around. The pain, thankfully, has been far less and movement of my left arm has been less restrictive. Horray!

I seem to be able to do little things for about an hour or so, then I need rest and a nap. I find myself in the horizontal position for most of the day. And I suspect as the days go on, I will gain more energy, but by bit and in another week or two will start feeling more and more back to "normal."

Truth is, I'm frustrated. Even though I know this second surgery is part of the process of ridding my body of cancer, I find myself in resistance. I don't like being in this post-op healing/recovery AGAIN. I'm pissed. According to MY plan, I was supposed to be getting radiation now. According to the UNIVERSE's plan, treatment will take longer than I had originally hoped/thought/wished for. Initially, MY plan was that I'd be back to regularly scheduled programming by the spring equinox.

I no longer have an end-date in mind.

Part of me wants to believe that this detour is the only detour in this journey and yet having been knocked down with being here AGAIN, I am reluctant to set another goal date. Instead, I am learning to surrender. This is not giving up, but rather learning to ride the wave of uncertainty with things that are in my control.

I have no control on what my pathology report will be nor when it will be ready (best guess is that last time it took two weeks - so I'm guesstimating March 14?🤞🏼) Waiting is the hardest part. I have no control on what is in my future regarding next steps. I am not going to speculate or worry or wish-it-to-be-true.

So I ask myself, what is in my control? "Healing and Being" is all I have in this present moment of "repair" post-op. And that is when the resistance shows up kicking and screaming. I feel as if I "should" be working on this or that or quite frankly... NOT HAVE TO BE DEALING WITH CANCER!

But what if I looked at cancer as a gift? Like winning the jackpot kind of gift? Could I really, deeply, truthfully with my whole heart get to the place where I am truly grateful for my cancer? 🤯 I know, I know. It can be a far stretch, but what if this cancer is here to help me with some shake-me-to-my-core life lessons? What if?

Working on THAT is what is in my control. I have more time to work on it now that I find myself back in this healing/post-op position again. Hmmmmmm... well looks like the Universe is working her magic and giving me an extension on this assignment.