STRONG AF

UPDATE: Thursday, April 13

We have radiation dates! I've decided to call the treatment: Rays of Sunshine. Much better, don't you think?

I start Tuesday, April 18. I will receive a daily dose of my Rays of Sunshine until May 9 (excluding weekends). This will be followed by about 2 weeks of recovery and healing. OK! Here we go...

Wednesday, April 12, 2023

Radiation prep was yesterday.

Alex walked me through the ABC process and how to use it. ABC... (Active Breathing Coordinator), is an apparatus used during radiation therapy and assists in my holding a deep breath before the beam of radiation is delivered. This deep breath increases the distance between my left boob and the chest wall - basically helping reduce the amount of radiation delivered to my heart and reduce the potential for heart disease.

A room full of radiation techs lead to laser measurements, mappings, two CTs and 4 micro-tatoos. All ready to start my 15 radiation treatments (daily, Monday-Friday). Tatoos? Yup! My first. 4 itty-bitty dots around my left boob so that the radiation techs can line up the machines the same way, every single time.

Now I await the call that will let me know when my treatments will start!

This past week I've hit the wall. Cancer journey exhaustion. In the big scheme of things, this really is just a bump in the road, yet, I feel like this journey has been going on FOREVER.

There's still a bit to go. The hope that this would be over by now is still gnawing at me. I know now that my expectations were overly ambitious, but a girl can dream, right?

Last week's appointment with my Radiologist Oncologist just added to the heaviness of what lies ahead and my anxiety over what's coming up next is pretty high. Hello RADIATION. Again, it's the unknown of how I will react to it, my energy levels, the time consumption of it, etc, etc. The one thing I am trying to focus on is, how the next few weeks will get me to ringing the end-of-treatment bell!! And as a reminder, I am sporting a new Superhero bracelet.

In my meeting with Dr. Han, and along with all the talk about the procedure, expectations and number of treatments, we spent a considerable time talking about potential risks... fatigue, skin reactions: redness of the skin like a sunburn, itchy skin, darkening of the skin, peeling dry, scaly skin. Also, breast lymphedema, breast pain, pneumonitis/fibrosis, cardiac toxicity, rib fracture, and increased risk of secondary malignancy. Phew. That's a friggn lot. It was like listening to the rambling list of potential side-effects when you hear an ad for a pharma drug. I'm sure at some point, I glazed over as all I could hear was the "whaw-whaw-whaw" like the teacher in Charlie Brown.

The kicker? Larger breasts experience these symptoms to a much greater degree. And here is the ying and yang... while ample breasts allow for a breast-conserving lumpectomy, they don't fair as well for radiation.

And we talked about getting a "booster" of radiation after the 15 treatments. The problem is that a booster would be targeted to the area of my breast that contained the DCIS cancer cells, in my case, a significantly large area of my left boob. There is a potentially higher risk of chronic breast pain from the boost. Ugh. So we talked about that.

Getting the 15 radiation treatments will lower recurrence by half. After radiation, I will be taking Tamoxifen for a number of years - a hormone therapy that lowers the risk of early breast cancer coming back. After pros and cons, I decided not to also get the booster. Dr. Han was ok with that. Of course, I'll be closely followed in the months and years to come, so that provided some security too.

Another potential problem with radiation therapy is that women who have cancer of the left breast (Yup - that's me!) may be at risk for heart disease from the radiation treatment. Even though steps are taken to minimize radiation to the heart (getting treatment while breathing through an ABC apparatus).

It's all so very exhausting. RIGHT?!

I had little inklings of journey exhaustion and so around my birthday, I made the conscious decision that I wanted to have other things going on other than solely being consumed by my cancer.

So, I have kept up with my daily walks (missed only 2 days in 3 weeks), started my HEALTh rehab program, been watching my nephew's hockey playoffs (they have advanced to the second round - woohooo and as a wonderful side-benefit, it allows for my screaming at the top of my lungs and channel some negative emotions. Quite therapeutic! Others just see it as a very vocal supportive Auntie cheerleader! 😉), celebrated my nephew's 10th birthday, started cooking more, taught two in-person sugar cookie decorating workshops, and danced the night away with a few girlfriends at a women-only 40+ dance party which left me completely spent for 2 days, but totally worth it! SO FUN!!

In my calendar, I also now have a few fun things to look forward to other than cancer-related appointments!!

Events in the calendar: a friend's 50th birthday party, Stratford shows, Drummers of Japan at Massey Hall, nephew's play-off hockey, opening up our summer retreat in Port Franks, and Girls Gone Camping with my gal-pals in September!

How I curate my time and navigate my emotional state is also a choice. Lots of choices. I can choose not to allow my current circumstances to usurp my every waking minute, I can choose how to spend my days (whether it's a day in bed cause that is what I really need or curating a pretty active day - both valid!), I can choose to lay out the most comprehensive to-do list while giving myself the grace of kindness and flexibility when it all goes to sh*t, choosing to be gentle with myself even though my increasing energy levels are not where I'd like them to be, choosing to put some things on hold, choosing to remove self-criticism and doubt and needing to change things up at any given moment and choosing to be ok with it. So many choices. And none of it is ever a linear journey.

And here is the key: consistent persistence.

Consistent persistence, every single day. A commitment to myself to put one foot in front of the other and to keep going. No matter what. Building my resilient muscle.

One step at a time.

What's Next:

April 14: HEALTh Rehab Program. Every Friday!

April 18: Breast Cancer Support Group Zoom

April 18 - May 9: Radiation Therapy - Rays of Sunshine!