SLEEPLESS IN TO

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

It's International Women's Day and as I countdown the days until my follow-up appointment with my surgeon, I can't help but reflect on the strong, powerful women in my family who inspire me and give me strength. Women who in their own ways held the vision and had faith when life's hardships presented themselves.

It's been just over 4 months since my diagnosis, 8 weeks since surgery #1 (lumpectomy) and two weeks since surgery number #2 (re-resection of the margins).

Breast cancer.

There are days when those words feel quite surreal. There are days when the grief, sadness and overwhelm is so big that denial is the only coping mechanism. And then I take a deep breath or three and sit in the sh!t and work through it.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Falling asleep has been challenging. Middle-of-the-night wake-ups are typical. I am currently riding the waves of mixed emotions while I await my second pathology report. Another countdown is on. I have my post-op appointment on March 14. Six more sleeps.

Truth is, no matter how hard I try to maintain a neutral outlook, I'm anxious. These turbulent emotions seem to intensify in the quiet of the night. Seven weeks ago I held the vision of clear margins and had faith that the results of my pathology would allow me to move on to the next stage of treatment. UGH. Well, there was a friggn bump in the road.

I continue to hold the vision that my margins are 100% clear this time. And yet fear seeps in. I have been here before and the possibility of having another detour feels really heavy.

What's been helpful is getting back into a consistent daily morning routine - it's grounding for me. I continue to find support through my WellSpring online programs. Movement and getting outside on the daily has been key. The sunshine and fresh-air walks help a lot. Gratitude. Lots of gratitude. Finding the joys in the every day is a good antidote to the emotional roller coaster. And then there's laughter. Laughter as medicine. Sometimes it's forced, sometimes it's just a matter of perspective. And having a partner who believes in laughter yoga - well that's another level entirely.

It's been a wild ride, that is for sure!

I am putting things in my calendar, things to look forward to... opening up the summer retreat (hello beach!), upcoming birthday celebrations, and my Lisbonite cousins visiting in October! I've started a party file: "I Kicked Cancer to the Curb" - it's never too soon to plan a celebration! All the things to keep me focused on what's coming up once treatment is over.

What I know to be true: I can handle whatever next week brings. YES I CAN!