“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
- Oprah Winfrey -
JANUARY 27, 2024
This morning I went to the Community Health Nurse Unit. My second visit so far. I need to make the trip every two days to get my drain checked and my dressing changed. It's something I'll need to do until my drain gets taken out - in approximately 10 days. The deciding factor is when my drain draws less than 30cc over 24 hours, two days in a row. I can't wait for that day!
So why a drain? (for those squeamish among you, skip to the next paragraph). A drain rod is inserted into the space between the chest wall (muscle) and skin, it temporarily occupies some of the space where my left boob used to be. The drain will help remove the build-up of blood and bodily liquid from the area through a long narrow tube that exists my body and leads to a grenade-shaped soft squeezable plastic container. I need to "milk" the drain to help the fluid move through the tube and I also empty the drain and measure three times a day.
So the nurse tends to my drain and checks for infection or any other issues and changes my dressings at each visit at a local Nurse Unit. Yes, that's right, I go to them. Nurses no longer, unless absolutely necessary, make home visits. At first, I was quite annoyed by it, but it gets me out and I have a few friends lined up to drive me (to give David a break) so I'll get to squeeze in a few visits too. Bonus!
Last night I started to feel really really tired. The kind of tired where you're up for a few minutes then you need to lie down or else you might pass out kind of tired. Surprisingly, I was feeling quite energetic on the day of my surgery and for a couple of days afterward. I didn't understand it, but I believe I was still riding the high of all the love that came my way the day before and the day-of surgery. The massive waves of love from my Love-Humans was so incredibly powerful and heart-filling that I was riding the bliss wave for days. Until last night.
Since then I have been spending the majority of my day just being. Napping. Streaming. Snoozing. Meditating. Immersing myself in woo-woo sound baths and healing vibrational music. Just chilling.
There have been some moments when I have felt guilty about "doing nothing." That certainly was something I struggled with after my lumpectomy last year and I'm still a work in progress - working through feelings of worthiness, self-love and self-care and allowing myself the space for downtime without the guilt. Oh life lessons!
I am three days out from surgery. The discomfort comes and goes, and pain-wise, I'm managing very well with the meds. I stick to a schedule and make sure to take the painkillers at precise times throughout the day - I made a handy chart to help with that and I check off the squares as I go. I had to take an Oxycontin the first night, but now I'm managing just fine alternating between Tylenol and Advil.
On the chart I have also included my exercises that I need to do a few times day - I have a squeeze-ball, I do shoulder shrugs and circles, and pendulum arm swings - all to keep my shoulder loose and mobile. I haven't gone for walks yet, but hope to very soon! My body is feeling a little off-balance and I am sure it will sort itself out as it gets used to its new shape and form.
I am experiencing some ghosting and occasionally find myself unconsciously reaching for my left boob only to be startled by a void. What I end up touching is so unfamiliar that it takes a few seconds to adjust to the newness of it all. I guess I'll get used to it eventually.
The flatness is not something I can avoid. I'm flat on the left side now. It's my new normal. I worked hard on my mindset around it and for weeks I have been preparing myself. I knew it was something that I was going to notice immediately and I wanted to be ready for that. I didn't look down while in the hospital, but when I arrived home, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at the large white rectangular bandage that sat flat against my chest where my left boob used to be.
Whew. There I was. Flat. And OK.
No tears. No shock. No sadness. Not even a flinch of weirdness. There I was, flat on my left side. My left boob is gone.
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