JUST BEING

"Some changes look negative on the surface but

you will soon realize that space is being created in your life

for something new to emerge."

- Eckhart Tolle -

Monday, January 16, 2023

Perhaps this blog post should be called: "The Return to the Woo-Woo."

I had a bit of an aha moment while laying on the couch watching the Fireplace channel. As I lay there, I had a sudden urge to be doing something else, not sure what - nothing specific really. Without much thought, I started to get up. I stopped myself. Where was I going? What was I getting up to do? I stopped and lay back down in my discomfort of just being.

I am so wired to always be on the go or to be doing something, anything and for God's sake not wasting precious time doing nothing. Clearly, I have some unlearning to do! This keeps coming up for me, time and time again. I feel like I am wasting time if I am not "busy" or "productive." I have a deep drive (learned behaviour) to always be doing "anything" other than doing "nothing". The longer I sat with the weirdness and discomfort, the more I uncovered the theme of self-worth or rather the lack of it. Well, there's something worth exploring! Do I have value as an individual if I am not doing something with my time that is considered of value? Hmmmm...

During 12 months of the pandemic, I studied with a mindset coach, Catharine Farquharson. One of the areas of study was self-image. The interesting thing about mindset work is that it's never one-and-done. There is always an endless opportunity to dig deeper, to discover more and continue to create my juiciest most incredible life. I'm a work-in-progress!

What has been coming up for me time and time again during this cancer journey is how I perceive myself. AHA. Self-worth. My true self-image. Do I deserve rest? Do I deserve this time for recovery? How is it that I have managed to intertwine shame and guilt into doing something beneficial for me and my health? Isn't that twisted??? Ohh there is lots of valuable self-discovery to unpack here.

The act of just being, truly just being... is so uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Sure, I have taken "time off" but as I examine it more closely, I realize that for me, it has been more of a superficial lip service rather than an intentional act. When was the last time "I just be" without thinking of something needing to be done in the immediate future? My MO is always thinking about something that I should/could be doing instead - something else that would appear more valuable than my current state of nothingness. Every time I would carve out time to just be with was back-loaded with guilt and shame. Oooo time to dig deeper there. And so another gift from this cancer journey - the time and space for further self-discovery and growth. The further expansion of my spiritual journey.

One of the things David and I used to do was attend the Consciousness Explorer's Club on Monday nights. Since the Pandemic, it had moved from a physical space to online via Zoom. It's been a while since I attended a session and a post by the club's founder Jeff Warren Monday Night Meditations - a call from the Universe: time to return to the practice.

Tonight's sit: Simplicity is Deep Life

(pssst you can catch all past audio recordings here)