"Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is?"
- Eckhart Tolle -
JANUARY 12, 2024
This week, I've been engaging in the practice of being in the present moment - allowing myself to be the witness to my emotions rather than being consumed by them or resisting them or judging them. Just being. Allowing the flow to happen and witnessing the sensation in my body to allow the energy to flow rather than getting pushed away, shoved under the rug and becoming stuck.
I know, I know, a bit too woo-woo for some, but it's a spiritual practice that I have been diving into lately. It's been very helpful and has allowed me to experience emotion as mere energy while not attaching anything to it - no words nor creating a story around it either.
And so, what I have realized is that as much as I had THOUGHT that I had dealt with my anger, that isn't true. Well, perhaps I have on a basic level, perhaps a little hopeful too, but there's definitely a deeper anger that keeps showing up. And today, when it showed up, the energy wasn't strong or destructive (that's how it showed up in December when my local recurrence was confirmed), but now it showed up as a gentle sadness that flowed through my body and welled up as tears which I just let flow. I welcomed the feeling like an old friend. Hello anger. I feel you. I see you. And it's okay.
I'm pissed off at my cancer - for its persistence, for showing up AGAIN, for it taking me away from my life. Ahh there's the rub, this is my life and accepting that is exactly what I am struggling with right now.
I am trying to receive this breast cancer journey 2.0 as another gift from the Universe. Energetically that just feels better.
Every day this week has been filled with medical appointments. Every single day. I had a PMH appointment with my Dad (he's undergoing his own cancer recurrence at the moment too), I met with my surgeon, and my surgical nurse as part of my pre-op prep, had bloodwork, a dental appointment, took the cat to the vet and continued ticking stuff off the to-do list. Holy crap, it's been a week!
To end the week, I met with my medical oncologist today. Dr. Watson is awesome and when he genuinely asked how I was doing, I admitted that I was friggn' pissed and angry. He was sympathetic, compassionate and proceeded to explain that this recurrence sometimes happens, even with taking Tamoxifen and receiving radiation. There is nothing I could have done differently. In my case, a lumpectomy and radiation should have dealt with my DCIS cancer. Alas, it didn't. Stubborn F@@KER!
I'm emotionally exhausted and physically spent.
I had my Melmira appointment set for tomorrow, but I moved it to next week. We're in the middle of a big snowstorm right now and truthfully, I'm not in the best state of mind to go for a prosthetic breast appointment. I'm tired.
For the first time all week, I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow or Sunday. Whew! I welcome not having to leave my house for two days. I will continue cocooning and setting up for recovery and I am thankful for the time.
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