FEELING LIKE A WOMAN

“Our way is not soft grass; it’s a mountain path with lots of rocks. But it goes upwards, forward, toward the sun.”

- Dr. Ruth Westheimer -

PLEASE NOTE

This post is raw and honest and it includes intimacy between me and David. I'm not sharing private details but am writing about a private subject matter.

When I started this blog, the purpose was to share so that friends and family could follow my journey and it was the place where I could send people without needing to have the same conversation over and over again.

I also wrote this blog in hopes that it would be helpful to anyone else going through what I was going through - the good, the not-so-good, the joys, the sadness, and all the emotions in between. I wanted to have a place where women on the Pink Road would find comfort in knowing they are not alone on this journey. This post is exactly that...

JANUARY 18, 2024

I had my call with my social worker today. I have been having calls with Victoria for over a year now. Early on I knew I needed to speak to someone outside my circle of family and friends, someone who would listen and guide me and offer validation for everything I was feeling and going through.

Today was a very raw and emotional call.

I have been struggling with the fact that I will be losing a body part. This is truly a mindf@@k. My left boob will be cut out of my body and disposed of. Harsh but true. What will remain is a large cross-chest scar that will forever be my reminder of what used to exist - a beautiful, soft yet firm, voluptuous DD boob. My breasts on this 57-year-old body are real and they are spectacular! And now I will only have one.

Yes, I am more than my scar and intellectually, breasts don't define me as a woman and not having a breast shouldn't make me feel any less feminine. Intellectually, that is true. Emotionally, it's an absolutely and completely different story. My heart aches for what is about to happen. I am sad and distraught over what will transpire next Wednesday. I will be left with one solitary boob.

As I was sharing this with Victoria, something else started to bubble up. Beyond talking about having a mastectomy and how I was feeling about that, other emotions came up too. Feelings around sexuality, intimacy, acceptance. I haven't felt desirable for a long long time. Even though David has been supportive and wonderful in that regard (you can read about how we experienced seeing myself post-lumpectomy for the first time HERE), I feel this will be different.

Currently, my left boob is smaller, and a little lop-sided too. Radiation has darkened my skin and it remains darker than the rest of me. Due to the incision from two surgeries, the areaola is smaller on my left side and also remains considerably darker than my right. I do have to say though, the scar is flat and barely noticeable. I am grateful for that! The lateral part of my breast remains intact and full and even though the medial part appears somewhat concave, it goes unnoticed when I am clothed. I have gotten used to its new shape and appearance. I'll need to get used to my newer appearance in a few weeks when the bandages are removed and I will see my flatness for the first time.

During my session with Victoria, I allowed myself to be honest about the fear of being flat. Immediate breast reconstruction would have prevented me from needing to experience flatness at all. And since that is not the case, I am working through all the emotions around being flat, seeing myself for the first time... and the truth around my feelings around being intimate with David.

Oompph. That hits hard. REALLY REALLY F@@KING HARD!

I have been suppressing my thoughts and feelings around that. With age and hormonal changes, our desires and sex lives were changing anyway. This is part of life. We were trying to navigate the newness with humour and some creativity. Cancer threw us a curve ball.

I have been battling with a total lack of desire and with my new appearance, it's been even harder. Not only was I already experiencing hormonal changes when I started my cancer journey, but the estrogen-suppressing Tamoxifen just pushed me over the edge into full-blown menopause too. UGH. I am now drier than the Sahara and all my sexual desire has plummeted. Zero. Nada! Another thing I can thank cancer for. We have been working through that. Not sucessfully.

I have been avoiding any discussion or initiation because I have been so afraid to face any possible rejection, further discomfort or even not wanting to deal with this on top of everything else. Cancer has been an all-consuming f@@ker and I just couldn't handle that it was taking this away from me too.

The truth is I was scared to talk to David about it. I was full of fear, crippling fear, about not being desired. How will David react? If I wasn't feeling sexy or like a little saucy minx myself, then... How could he want me? And now, how could David love me without my boob? He loves my boobs. Intellectually I knew the answers. Emotionally, I wasn't ready if the answer wasn't what I needed to hear. Was I sure of what the outcome would be? No.

So after my call with Victoria, David and I sat down and talked... Like full-on, vulnerable, raw, open and honest talk. I have never felt so exposed in my life. And I don't think I have ever been so open about my fears and insecurities ever before. Body image is something I have struggled with almost all my life. If I wasn't able to honestly address it with myself, how the f@@k was I going to be able to have this discussion with David?

I took a deep breath and dove in. All in. I was open about my fears, how I felt, what's been going on and not just superficially, but deep down dark stuff too. I didn't hide my insecurities about losing my boob or even potentially losing us. Losing us, even more so than what I thought had already begun to happen was the worst fear of it all.

David shared his fears, uncertainties and insecurities too. Whew. Over a couple of hours, there were tears and laughter and questions and the bearing of our souls...and then there was the moment when I knew, fully, madly, deeply, and without question, that the man I have loved for almost 18 years is my guy for keeps. He is my sunshine. And he loves me in a way I have never been loved before and sometimes more than I have loved myself. He loves all of me. With and without my left boob.

R xx